Wednesday, December 24, 2008

T'was the Night Before Christmas

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!

Check out those evenly spaced ornaments...

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Best FF

Dear Friends,

Today something hit stores in Japan that has prompted me to make an important announcement. Following what I assume was the most ridiculous first day game sales in the history of video games Square has announced a "mid-year" release for Final Fantasy Dissidia for the PSP. In the event of my being hit by a truck while playing the Sony PSP please take me off of life support immediately. The reason being that the Sony PSP was designed by God, but more importantly Final Fantasy Dissidia was designed by Cosmos the Godesss of Harmony, to determine which of us humble earthlings could command her army of light warriors to defeat the evil warriors of Chaos. I of course will have reached level 99 before anyone else due to having forgone school, work and my social life, and thus be called on to save the world of Dissidia from Final Fantasy villains.

only with


I will be going to a dimension filled with Final Fantasy characters having a giant battle. It's like Super Smash Brothers Brawl meets the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny times every Final Fantasy game for the last 21 years.

Will such a story make any goddamned sense? Unlikely.
Will I be in line at EBGames the day the North American official release date is announced? Frankly I'm surprised I'm not there now.
Is it healthy that when I say "the last 21 years" I know that it was actually 21 years ago this day that the first Final Fantasy game was released? Not even a little.

Let's be clear on just how big of a problem this is: I have actually watched the new trailer 3 times tonight.

It's in Japanese.


Not that it will make any more sense in English. Square is rather famous for its Engrish translations being about on par with Zero Wing. Plus the plot of every game since VI has been so convoluted it probably doesn't make any damn sense in Japan either.

"The games are ridiculously overwrought and convoluted emotionally," -Owen Pallett

Still unless every third word is "konnichiwa", "sayonara", or "domo arigato" I'd say I'm pretty much stuck waiting for the North American release.

Such a good idea...

"Mid-year"? Stupid square...

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Year of the Weblog

I have written 104 posts this year, which means that I blogged just slightly more than last year. Yeah! Take that 2007!

And don't think that the quality has suffered any because of my increased productivity. Just look at these insightful posts from July, were I actually devolve to reposting Superdickery's hard-on jokes and September where Brian pretty much puts me in my place. I should note however that in a remarkable turn, I did not blog after getting loaded following my Anatomy & Physiology exam on Friday. Perhaps I'm maturing...

Also, apparently I still can't quite compete with my 2006 posting record of 132, or my 2005 count (which was only for 7 months, thus was theoretically on pace for 164 (and a half) posts. Which is about the only way in which those years were better than 07 and 08. Perhaps as happiness increases, blogging decreases. I should make a graph...

And finally what you've all been waiting for- Something funny someone else thought of:

"If people got what they deserved"

Friday, December 12, 2008

My Human Anatomy

Homer: Oh, and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!

My brain is filled with a lot of useless information (as evidenced above). I’ve often thought that it would be great if I could channel my amazing ability to remember stupid crap into memorizing say... Anatomy & Physiology

But I think we all know that that isn't going to happen.

15 Things That Must Change About Human Biology in Order for Me to Get an A

1) All of the bones of the skull are now called Yorick plates. The muscles will henceforth be known as gibes and gambols.

2) Cranial nerves IV through VI are a lot better than their crappy prequels Cranial nerves I to III. Also, all of the cranial nerves, both sensory and motor, are susceptible to Jedi mind tricks.

3) If a crayon is lodged up the sphenoid sinus and into the frontal sinus it can result in an IQ drop of up to 50 points.

4) Kidneys are largely composed of simple cuboidal epithelium and when one is removed to give to a high school-aged clone of the Cleopatra, the other kidney will miss his friend.

5) A Keloid Scar, which is made up of red to dark brown scar tissue and often accompanied by sharp pains, is most likely the result of a backfired Avada Kadavra curse. It no longer has the risk of ulcerating, but it may make your adolescent developmental stage extra angsty.

6) The process known as increased activity of the vestibular glands, which lubricates the vestibule is now officially called “getting the vaginal juices flowing”. It is best not to do this by stampeding towards the clitoris “like a bull at the gates”.

7) The process of digesting, absorbing and eliminating fibre no longer involves the mechanical muscle movements of Peristalsis and release of chemical enzymes. Now when you consume fibre you will be visited by Mr. Hanky at Christmas.

8) Also, when you realize the true meaning of Christmas your Cardiac Muscle has the ability to enlarge and grow up to 3 times its original size.

9) Retrograde Amnesia is no longer caused by trauma to the temporal lobes and hippocampus, but by the evil Empire using a mind control device in order to unleash your magical powers on an unsuspecting fantasy world.

10) The gathering of cerebrospinal fluid for biomedical analysis through a lumbar puncture is now totally painless, actually pretty funny, but fatal to anyone who plays the drums.

11) The knee bone, or patella, is connected to the something. The something is connected to the red thing. The red thing is connected to my wrist watch.

12) In lab, when changing the objective lens on a microscope from 40X magnification to 4X magnification it is now imperative that the student sing “Normal view! Normal view! NORMAL VIEW!” as they adjust the nosepiece.

13) Making symmetrical medial incisions from the mid Buccal region of the face to the Oral region is the first phase in the process of terrorizing Gotham city while dressed like a clown.

14) The diaphysis (or shaft of the bone) is one bad mutha-
"Shut your mouth!"
... I'm just talkin' about the diaphysis.

15) The Biceps and Forearm Muscles now come out of the back of the neck and are referred to as a “big beefy arm”. There is no need for two. This is of course assuming you have wings and consummate “V”’s on your body.

I'm off to exercise, cram some more and write the exam. If you (God? Science God? Santa? Professor Brenner?) could please consider making the changes in say the next 3 hours that would be great.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Exam Time

I wrote this after my Nursing 100 Midterm, at the request of a fellow student:

Ode to the Most Correct Answer

When the choices are all multiple
And the answers could all B
I keep on hoping that I can fill in
Every circle that I C

But my teachers have all taught me
That there’s A most correct response
But there are three or four of these to pick
And I can only answer once.

I think that A looks the most correct
But I’d better read the rest
Because everybody always knows
It’s never the first answer on the test.

I guess it might be the second answer,
That’s correct for number 3.
But that’s the answer I gave for 2,
Is it 2. B or not 2. B?

When all else fails go with C,
It seems a like a good plan.
But this C has a lot of words like
“if” and “but” and “than”

D gives me all of the above,
But wait, there’s answer E
Is it really C and B and A
Or only A and B?

I take a breath and fill in the blank
With my HB number 2
I sigh and roll my eyes when I see
I still have forty-five questions left to do.

I long for fill in the blanks,
Short answer or hell an essay
At least you can always get part marks
And BS half the way.

But in multiple choice you’re either wrong or right
And when you’re partly right you’re wrong.
So I’m going back to study some more
Because I’ve been procrastinating too long.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Monday, December 01, 2008

#11 On 15 Ways to Get People to Watch TV Again

Also- Cracked on the band "Of Montreal":

"Frontman Kevin Barnes has told many conflicting stories about where this Athens, Ga. band got their name, but the one that seems to have gained acceptance is that he was dating a girl from Montreal and it didn't work out.

Why it's ridiculous: What's the word for those people who change their explanation for something 100 times before settling on an excuse that sounds vaguely implausible? Oh, that's right, liars! Barnes named his band Of Montreal because he wanted people to think his band was from Montreal. He knew just as well as everyone else that if your group is from Montreal, you can record yourself taking a poop on a xylophone and Pitchfork will give it a sparkling review."