Friday, December 12, 2008

My Human Anatomy

Homer: Oh, and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!

My brain is filled with a lot of useless information (as evidenced above). I’ve often thought that it would be great if I could channel my amazing ability to remember stupid crap into memorizing say... Anatomy & Physiology

But I think we all know that that isn't going to happen.

15 Things That Must Change About Human Biology in Order for Me to Get an A

1) All of the bones of the skull are now called Yorick plates. The muscles will henceforth be known as gibes and gambols.

2) Cranial nerves IV through VI are a lot better than their crappy prequels Cranial nerves I to III. Also, all of the cranial nerves, both sensory and motor, are susceptible to Jedi mind tricks.

3) If a crayon is lodged up the sphenoid sinus and into the frontal sinus it can result in an IQ drop of up to 50 points.

4) Kidneys are largely composed of simple cuboidal epithelium and when one is removed to give to a high school-aged clone of the Cleopatra, the other kidney will miss his friend.

5) A Keloid Scar, which is made up of red to dark brown scar tissue and often accompanied by sharp pains, is most likely the result of a backfired Avada Kadavra curse. It no longer has the risk of ulcerating, but it may make your adolescent developmental stage extra angsty.

6) The process known as increased activity of the vestibular glands, which lubricates the vestibule is now officially called “getting the vaginal juices flowing”. It is best not to do this by stampeding towards the clitoris “like a bull at the gates”.

7) The process of digesting, absorbing and eliminating fibre no longer involves the mechanical muscle movements of Peristalsis and release of chemical enzymes. Now when you consume fibre you will be visited by Mr. Hanky at Christmas.

8) Also, when you realize the true meaning of Christmas your Cardiac Muscle has the ability to enlarge and grow up to 3 times its original size.

9) Retrograde Amnesia is no longer caused by trauma to the temporal lobes and hippocampus, but by the evil Empire using a mind control device in order to unleash your magical powers on an unsuspecting fantasy world.

10) The gathering of cerebrospinal fluid for biomedical analysis through a lumbar puncture is now totally painless, actually pretty funny, but fatal to anyone who plays the drums.

11) The knee bone, or patella, is connected to the something. The something is connected to the red thing. The red thing is connected to my wrist watch.

12) In lab, when changing the objective lens on a microscope from 40X magnification to 4X magnification it is now imperative that the student sing “Normal view! Normal view! NORMAL VIEW!” as they adjust the nosepiece.

13) Making symmetrical medial incisions from the mid Buccal region of the face to the Oral region is the first phase in the process of terrorizing Gotham city while dressed like a clown.

14) The diaphysis (or shaft of the bone) is one bad mutha-
"Shut your mouth!"
... I'm just talkin' about the diaphysis.

15) The Biceps and Forearm Muscles now come out of the back of the neck and are referred to as a “big beefy arm”. There is no need for two. This is of course assuming you have wings and consummate “V”’s on your body.

I'm off to exercise, cram some more and write the exam. If you (God? Science God? Santa? Professor Brenner?) could please consider making the changes in say the next 3 hours that would be great.

1 comment:

Joe said...

"In lab, when changing the objective lens on a microscope from 40X magnification to 4X magnification it is now imperative that the student sing 'Normal view! Normal view! NORMAL VIEW!' as they adjust the nosepiece."

Did you actually do that? Lol.

Sigh. Did anyone laugh, or just awkward stares? My experiences with public MST3k references suggest the latter.