Three weeks ago I recieved a job offer from the Cardinal Motor Inn up here in Sudbury. I had just returned home from an exhausting (to say the very least) apartment hunting expedition and visit. I came up to try to find an apartment as quickly as possible in order to get a roof over my head while I worked. I went with the first reasonably affordable place I could find. This is so far not proving to be the best choice. I began the job before I could even move in, and between working eratic hours to train and moving up, I have had very little time to settle in. To make matters worse, I failed to notice when I was moving in that the electrical outlets are all "two pronged", thus have no ground. Besides being a major safety hazard this is also a seriuos inconvience as I have no computer thus no music, movies or soure of mindless entertainment, which to be fair ranks for most of us somewhere on the second or third level of the pyramid of basic human needs.
All of this was greatly worsened a week ago when I lost the majority of my power altogether, whether two pronged or not. I have four faulty outlets and only one functional light. I can't store food in the refridgerator and I can't cook. I have been doing my best to contact my landlords and deal with the problem, but between a lack of answering machine (on their part) and a 300 or so kilometre highway, it is not as easy as it sounds. Theoretically they will fix the problems this weekend.
I ended up quitting my job at the Cardinal after two weeks. Something about working 40+ hours per week without breaks in an environment that the word "hostile" doesn't do justice to, just didn't appeal to me. Truthfully I was just exasperated trying to handle my supervisor's negativity in a mature assertive fashion, to the point that I couldn't take it any more. I like to think that I have more backbone than that. Apparently I don't.
People who know me well.. or at all I suppose... likely don't think of me as someone that "bottles things up". I guess I don't really, but I think that I try to make it seem as though I'm capable of handling things when I'm really not. People also don't likely think of me as being terribly rational. I would argue that I am. I am very capable of thinking through things in a very logical way and intellectualizing (hmmm sp?) matters close to my heart. In fact it is when I am thinking clearly about things in my life and taking in the bigger picture that I am most happy and feel the most deeply and positively about life.
There seems to be this other side of me however that rears its ugly head from time to time. It is totally irrational, based entirely on gut reactions and peculiar notions that I keep bottled because I know damn well they're stupid things to say outloud. These are the things that I say when I'm drunk, or depressed, or just at my absolute wits end. It doesn't make it OK for me to say these things, in fact I tend to feel worse and worse each time I do.
I started unleashing "evil Liz" if you will, on the world at large about two weeks ago, and I think I've finally got her back under control. Please know that I am not taking lightly the notion of having a split personality, I just simply don't know another way to describe it. I have this deep desire to go back to three weeks ago and try to do things right. Not jump into the first crappy job someone offers me, not move into the first apartment I can find, and not hurt anyone I care about. Just be me, the real me, the one that thinks things through and is careful and considerate. The notion that I can be that person may be the most positive thought I've had about myself in over a year. I think I'll end on that note.