Inherrit the Mess

"Some men are born great, some achieve greatness, others have greatness thrust upon them. And then there's this guy- who couldn't buy great at a great store if they were going out of business and had to get rid of all their great"- Jon Stewart

Just in case you didn't think he'd be a D-Bag right to the very end...


From cbc.ca:

[Still President] Bush said he doesn't worry about his popularity because those types of debates "will matter not if there's another attack on the homeland."





"Actually Mr. Bush, it appears people think you're an even bigger jackass..."




Some people will argue that Obama won't fix anything. Even if he really wants to, there's such a huge mess in the White House right now that he really doesn't have a chance.

The American election was never really about "change" or "hope" for me. Let me explain.

Think about those people in your hometown who had garbage on their front yard and way too many cats. The ones who doubled the average number of police calls to the block each year and did not seem to know what a car wash was. When they (or you) moved I suspect that your life did not change in any profound way. You didn't find yourself in a Utopian neighbourhood free of fights and littering, where everyone on the block had a job and a happy life. But at the end of the day things got a little better- because it's always nice to know that the people who live next to you aren't complete fucking morons.




Also, I guess this guy they elected is pretty cool. He's got really great eyes- policies! And super hot- solid no... important! Important ideas!


Here's a photo of Obama thanking me for using my blog to help him get elected:









7 Days!

Clinically Expressed

It was my first day of clinical today, and let me tell you, it was 3 straight hours of finding out how badly I can possibly screw up by doing things wrong there.

But I'm not letting that get me down, because I am on my way to becoming Nurse Elizabeth Shue-chanan!






Wait... I DON'T get to kiss patients? What the hell kind of profession doesn't involve kissing a bunch of random people on stage?


Don't get the reference? See Hamlet 2. It is your new mission to do so.

And a Happy New Year

A few photos from the holidays to ring in the new year.


Scott on his Christmas DS. Very few Christmases have gone by at our house that one of us hasn't had to save the world from the forces of evil.


Gnomeo and his friends.


My cousin Lorraine and I showing off what awesome skaters we are. I should note that Lorraine had never been on skates... or seen snow until this week.

Explaining this:

I should also explain that I'm not calling for help because she's broken her spine or anything. I'm laughing. Because I'm a great cousin.


Today we made snowmen. Look at them in front of our evergreen forest.

Alright, so the snow wasn't really packing that well and we got impatient.

Also Lorrain won New Years.


New Years Eve 2007 was won by my Uncle Brian with-

Me: For a pink pie, what kind of Japanese theatre...
Brian: Oh, Japanese Kabuki Theatre.
Me: How did you know that?!
Brian: Because I'm a fricken genius.


This year:

Scott: I think I deserve some props for guessing that Dark Side of the Moon would be the number one album!
Me: Um- how about some props for me for identifying the album after hearing four bars?
Lorraine: Your whole family is just awesome.

T'was the Night Before Christmas

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!





Check out those evenly spaced ornaments...

Best FF

Dear Friends,

Today something hit stores in Japan that has prompted me to make an important announcement. Following what I assume was the most ridiculous first day game sales in the history of video games Square has announced a "mid-year" release for Final Fantasy Dissidia for the PSP. In the event of my being hit by a truck while playing the Sony PSP please take me off of life support immediately. The reason being that the Sony PSP was designed by God, but more importantly Final Fantasy Dissidia was designed by Cosmos the Godesss of Harmony, to determine which of us humble earthlings could command her army of light warriors to defeat the evil warriors of Chaos. I of course will have reached level 99 before anyone else due to having forgone school, work and my social life, and thus be called on to save the world of Dissidia from Final Fantasy villains.




only with



and





I will be going to a dimension filled with Final Fantasy characters having a giant battle. It's like Super Smash Brothers Brawl meets the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny times every Final Fantasy game for the last 21 years.

Will such a story make any goddamned sense? Unlikely.
Will I be in line at EBGames the day the North American official release date is announced? Frankly I'm surprised I'm not there now.
Is it healthy that when I say "the last 21 years" I know that it was actually 21 years ago this day that the first Final Fantasy game was released? Not even a little.


Let's be clear on just how big of a problem this is: I have actually watched the new trailer 3 times tonight.

It's in Japanese.

Wakarimasen...


Not that it will make any more sense in English. Square is rather famous for its Engrish translations being about on par with Zero Wing. Plus the plot of every game since VI has been so convoluted it probably doesn't make any damn sense in Japan either.

"The games are ridiculously overwrought and convoluted emotionally," -Owen Pallett

Still unless every third word is "konnichiwa", "sayonara", or "domo arigato" I'd say I'm pretty much stuck waiting for the North American release.


Such a good idea...

"Mid-year"? Stupid square...

Year of the Weblog

I have written 104 posts this year, which means that I blogged just slightly more than last year. Yeah! Take that 2007!

And don't think that the quality has suffered any because of my increased productivity. Just look at these insightful posts from July, were I actually devolve to reposting Superdickery's hard-on jokes and September where Brian pretty much puts me in my place. I should note however that in a remarkable turn, I did not blog after getting loaded following my Anatomy & Physiology exam on Friday. Perhaps I'm maturing...


Also, apparently I still can't quite compete with my 2006 posting record of 132, or my 2005 count (which was only for 7 months, thus was theoretically on pace for 164 (and a half) posts. Which is about the only way in which those years were better than 07 and 08. Perhaps as happiness increases, blogging decreases. I should make a graph...


And finally what you've all been waiting for- Something funny someone else thought of:

"If people got what they deserved"

My Human Anatomy

Homer: Oh, and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!

My brain is filled with a lot of useless information (as evidenced above). I’ve often thought that it would be great if I could channel my amazing ability to remember stupid crap into memorizing say... Anatomy & Physiology

But I think we all know that that isn't going to happen.


15 Things That Must Change About Human Biology in Order for Me to Get an A

1) All of the bones of the skull are now called Yorick plates. The muscles will henceforth be known as gibes and gambols.

2) Cranial nerves IV through VI are a lot better than their crappy prequels Cranial nerves I to III. Also, all of the cranial nerves, both sensory and motor, are susceptible to Jedi mind tricks.

3) If a crayon is lodged up the sphenoid sinus and into the frontal sinus it can result in an IQ drop of up to 50 points.

4) Kidneys are largely composed of simple cuboidal epithelium and when one is removed to give to a high school-aged clone of the Cleopatra, the other kidney will miss his friend.

5) A Keloid Scar, which is made up of red to dark brown scar tissue and often accompanied by sharp pains, is most likely the result of a backfired Avada Kadavra curse. It no longer has the risk of ulcerating, but it may make your adolescent developmental stage extra angsty.

6) The process known as increased activity of the vestibular glands, which lubricates the vestibule is now officially called “getting the vaginal juices flowing”. It is best not to do this by stampeding towards the clitoris “like a bull at the gates”.

7) The process of digesting, absorbing and eliminating fibre no longer involves the mechanical muscle movements of Peristalsis and release of chemical enzymes. Now when you consume fibre you will be visited by Mr. Hanky at Christmas.

8) Also, when you realize the true meaning of Christmas your Cardiac Muscle has the ability to enlarge and grow up to 3 times its original size.

9) Retrograde Amnesia is no longer caused by trauma to the temporal lobes and hippocampus, but by the evil Empire using a mind control device in order to unleash your magical powers on an unsuspecting fantasy world.

10) The gathering of cerebrospinal fluid for biomedical analysis through a lumbar puncture is now totally painless, actually pretty funny, but fatal to anyone who plays the drums.

11) The knee bone, or patella, is connected to the something. The something is connected to the red thing. The red thing is connected to my wrist watch.

12) In lab, when changing the objective lens on a microscope from 40X magnification to 4X magnification it is now imperative that the student sing “Normal view! Normal view! NORMAL VIEW!” as they adjust the nosepiece.

13) Making symmetrical medial incisions from the mid Buccal region of the face to the Oral region is the first phase in the process of terrorizing Gotham city while dressed like a clown.

14) The diaphysis (or shaft of the bone) is one bad mutha-
"Shut your mouth!"
... I'm just talkin' about the diaphysis.

15) The Biceps and Forearm Muscles now come out of the back of the neck and are referred to as a “big beefy arm”. There is no need for two. This is of course assuming you have wings and consummate “V”’s on your body.


I'm off to exercise, cram some more and write the exam. If you (God? Science God? Santa? Professor Brenner?) could please consider making the changes in say the next 3 hours that would be great.

Exam Time

I wrote this after my Nursing 100 Midterm, at the request of a fellow student:



Ode to the Most Correct Answer

When the choices are all multiple
And the answers could all B
I keep on hoping that I can fill in
Every circle that I C

But my teachers have all taught me
That there’s A most correct response
But there are three or four of these to pick
And I can only answer once.

I think that A looks the most correct
But I’d better read the rest
Because everybody always knows
It’s never the first answer on the test.

I guess it might be the second answer,
That’s correct for number 3.
But that’s the answer I gave for 2,
Is it 2. B or not 2. B?

When all else fails go with C,
It seems a like a good plan.
But this C has a lot of words like
“if” and “but” and “than”

D gives me all of the above,
But wait, there’s answer E
Is it really C and B and A
Or only A and B?

I take a breath and fill in the blank
With my HB number 2
I sigh and roll my eyes when I see
I still have forty-five questions left to do.

I long for fill in the blanks,
Short answer or hell an essay
At least you can always get part marks
And BS half the way.

But in multiple choice you’re either wrong or right
And when you’re partly right you’re wrong.
So I’m going back to study some more
Because I’ve been procrastinating too long.

Yuletube

#11 On 15 Ways to Get People to Watch TV Again

Also- Cracked on the band "Of Montreal":

"Frontman Kevin Barnes has told many conflicting stories about where this Athens, Ga. band got their name, but the one that seems to have gained acceptance is that he was dating a girl from Montreal and it didn't work out.

Why it's ridiculous: What's the word for those people who change their explanation for something 100 times before settling on an excuse that sounds vaguely implausible? Oh, that's right, liars! Barnes named his band Of Montreal because he wanted people to think his band was from Montreal. He knew just as well as everyone else that if your group is from Montreal, you can record yourself taking a poop on a xylophone and Pitchfork will give it a sparkling review."

Can't Believe Anyone Else Ever Watched This...

Speaking of BAD 80s-90s cartoons. My free time has been invaded by Cracked a fantastically funny website of lists. One of the lists I was reading was "The 10 Most Disastrous Saturday Morning Cartoon Adaptations". I'm not so much shocked to find this on the list as I am to find that a) it is not #1, b) anyone other than me and my brother ever even saw this:


#4.ProStars



"Based On:
The most famous athletes in each of the three major sports: Michael Jordan (Basketball) and Bo Jackson (Football, Baseball). Also, a white guy named Wayne who plays something called hockey.

Sucked Because:
It squandered a pretty decent premise: famous athletes using their almost superhero-like athletic abilities to fight crime. Unfortunately, it's unclear if the the shows creators even knew who the three athletes were, or if they'd ever watched sports before.

Gretzky' character spends most of his time talking about how hungry he is, and acting like a general retard. He is mostly used as the outfit' comic relief, because when it comes to using sports to fight crime, the guy who glides around with blades on his feet, deftly wielding a sword-like stick is only good for a few chuckles. Meanwhile, Bo Jackson' character was the Incredible Hulk with a fade, an angry grunting behemoth who rumbled around like a bulldozer, ignoring the fact that Jackson was one of the fastest, most graceful athletes in professional sports.

But the biggest failure is the show's inexplicable treatment of the biggest star of the three: Michael Jordan. The obvious move would have been to turn him into a cross between Stretch Armstrong and a Gummy Bear, capable of using his leaping ability and lanky finesse to fuck up some super villains. Instead, Jordan' character fights crime using hi-tech gizmos some random Yiddish-speaking lady gives him. It didn't even matter that he was Michael Jordan! Kurt Rambis could have been awesome with all the weapons and gadgets that Jewish lady was always giving MJ. Instead of focusing on his other-worldly athleticism, the show made the greatest athlete in the world into a cross between The Hebrew Hammer and Data from Goonies.

Evidence from the Title Sequence:
The coolest moments in the intro are the highlights of Jackson and Jordan from the real world. While cartoon Bo uses a tree to kill some guy driving a tractor, it' nothing compared to his real world gravity-defying wall run. And Jordan flying through the air dunking on Lakers is way cooler than his cartoon highlight, in which he needs rocket-shoes to save a child from a burning building. Rocket shoes? Really? If Carl Lewis was one of the ProStars they probably would have given him a Segway."






I would like to point out two things that I don't remember from watching the cartoon that the opening sequence has reminded me of:

1) They slept in lockers
2) The 80s-90s obligatory "save the environment in the least peaceful way imaginable" episode.

Alright!

My friend Jay had a total of two impersonations (at least that I ever heard). One was Louie Anderson. The other was me.





In my defense people SHOULD be quiet while I'm trying to do work in Science class.

Hey wait, I do have a forum...

I know that this blog is largely ridiculous, but I thought I would try to make some effort tonight to do some very small good with it.

If you're feeling charitable at the moment or looking for a Christmas goodwill project, I would like to advocate for Mac Kids and the Canadian MPS Society.


MPS (Musopolysaccharidos) is an inherited, degenerative disorder caused by enzyme deficiencies. Affected individuals lack the necissary enzymes for normal cell degradation and recycling, substances store throughout their bodies, causing progressive damage to their hearts, bones, joints, respiratory systems and central nervous systems.


From the Canadian MPS Society:


"An MPS baby appears normal at birth and seems to develop normally for about the first year or more depending on which MPS type the child is affected with. The first signs can vary and are evident at different ages in affected children. Symptoms that usually prompt medical attention are ear infections, runny noses and colds.

The mucopolysaccharide storage disorders are progressive and vary widely in severity. All MPS children tend to have coarse facial features. All of them have, in some degree, skeletal involvement. In most children this involves joint changes with limitation of movement. In all of the MPS disorders, multiple organs are involved. Several children have clouding of the cornea which leads to vision impairment. Enlargement of the liver and spleen and involvement of the heart and blood vessels are frequent symptoms.

Progressive mental retardation is present in some children, as well as umbilical and groin hernias, stunted growth, fluid on the brain, thickened skin, excessive hair growth, chronic runny nose, chronic ear infections causing hearing loss, and a projected life expectancy of ten to twenty years."


For more information:

http://www.mpssociety.ca/


And of course Mac Kids can always use a hand:

http://www.mackids.ca/home.html



Thanks.

Will Farell Movie Generator

Try out the Will Farrell Movie Generator at College Humour.

Awesome-O


1. Will Ferrell plays Zach Montague, an egotistical, obnoxious cheerleading choreographer at the top of his profession. He and his sidekick, played by Paul Rudd, seem invincible until their dominance is threatened by a new rival. Zach Montague's excessive pride causes him to spiral downward to comical lows. When he is at the depths of despair, he removes his shirt and bellows,

Sweet Kirk's roller coaster! My mind is a murderous whisker!

After a wacky training process featuring a surprise cameo by Steve Carell and a marginally-developed romantic subplot, he enters into a climactic showdown with his rival and emerges victorious - but not without learning a thing or two about friendship.

Estimated Opening Weekend Box Office Returns: $37.6 million


2. Will Ferrell plays Amir Crawford, an egotistical, obnoxious ballet dancer at the top of his profession. He and his sidekick, played by Owen Wilson, seem invincible until their dominance is threatened by a new rival. Amir Crawford's excessive pride causes him to spiral downward to comical lows. When he is at the depths of despair, he removes his shirt and bellows,

Praise Buddha. My apricot is a shimmering trophy!

After a wacky training process featuring a surprise cameo by Ben Stiller and a marginally-developed romantic subplot, he enters into a climactic showdown with his rival and emerges victorious - but not without learning a thing or two about friendship.

Estimated Opening Weekend Box Office Returns: $57.9 million



This is my own:

Will Ferrell plays Arthur Buddly, an egotistical, obnoxious Sports Mascot at the top of his profession. He and his sidekick, played by Jason Bateman, seem invincible until their dominance is threatened by a new rival. Arthur Buddly's excessive pride causes him to spiral downward to comical lows. When he is at the depths of despair, he removes his shirt and bellows,

Your cheese is an unstoppable mammoth! Behold my glorious platipus!

After a wacky training process featuring a surprise cameo by Jack Black and a marginally-developed romantic subplot, he enters into a climactic showdown with his rival and emerges victorious - but not without learning a thing or two about friendship.

Estimated Opening Weekend Box Office Returns: $75.9 million


Oh that's right. It's that good.

Losing my REM

I went to the library today to get some work done, only to fall asleep in one of the cubicles for a half an hour and wake up with creases on my cheek. It wouldn't be so bad if I were back at LU, where I could just mosey on over to the Brenda Wallace Reading Room and take a proper nap before getting back up to work, but Trent has a very noticable lack of quiet comfy places around campus with couches.

I miss the Green Room. Stupid Trent not having a Theatre program.

So clearly a new lay-out. I think it's giving me slightly more room to fit the videos from College Humour and G4, which have thus far not been fitting so swimmingly. Some day I'm going to figure out how to make my own lay-out. Ah Grade 11 Computers class, why didn't I bother taking you?



Metaphor Free Radio

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Incidently, also Suing your Thanksgiving Dinner for Copyright Infringement

Could not possibly make this up:

From G4 Tech TV (which is a website I totally don't check every day) News Feed:

"Mayor of "Batman, Turkey" Sues Christopher Nolan

The Mayor of a city in Turkey called Batman, is suing The Dark Knight director, Christopher Nolan for copyright infringement. Huseyin Kalkan, the "Bat-Mayor" wants some "bat-compensation" from Nolan and the producers of the film for using his city's name without permission. (Coincidentally as the film's take is about to pass the 1 billion dollar mark.)

Justice at last! That dirty wretch, Christopher Nolan! How dare he not take into consideration the great cultural heritage of the city's name (which it adopted way back in ancient 1955.) And curses to Bob Kane for using black magic to precognitively create his Batman character 16 years before that time! Did he have any decency? Thank goodness someone informed the good Mayor of this "Batman" character's existence or this injustice would have went unavenged.

Kidding aside, Mayor Huseyin has apparently tried this before. According to the super-reliable Wikipedia:

He first gained international notoriety after it was revealed that he had filed a lawsuit against DC Comics for using his city's name in their Batman Comic book franchise. In 2007, DC Comics confirmed that they had settled with the city for an undisclosed amount. In February 2008 the mayor was sentenced to 10 months in jail for promoting terrorism. Prosecutors speculated that Kalkan may have used money from his settlement with DC Comics to fund terrorism...

If indeed this is true, then someone needs to add "a pair" to his or her Christmas list for someone over at DC. This is beyond comical. I would hate to think that I'M financing terrorism when I pick up my Blu-Ray copy of TDK. (Well, I'm freaking getting it anyway, but still...)"


Truly sensational.





*******************************

Also a link for the new South Park (heck isn't that why you come here?)

Elementary School Musical

Trey Parker and Matt Stone have once again stolen my thoughts and put them in the mouths of 8 year olds.


Cartman: This is cool? We are really getting old you guys... well that's it I think I'm done. If this is what's cool now, I no longer have any connection to this world...

Book Worm

This gave me a chuckle:


The USA Today Top 10 Best Selling Books of the Past 15 Years


1) Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
2) Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution
3) The Da Vinci Code
4) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
5) Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
6) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
7) Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
8) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
9) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
10) Who Moved My Cheese?


Three Thoughts:

I) What the hell is "Who moved my cheese?"
II) Every one of these book titles works perfectly for the "penis" movie game.
III) A lot of people don't know, but JK Rowling actually wrote 8 of those books. Atkins was a fall-back after her ill-fated "Harry Potter and the Proteins of Power" was rejected by publishers.

Super Friends

Oh also, while I'm on a combo Batman/random ridiculousness theme (I know I know, when am I not?):

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

PS: If it's working as poorly on your computer as it is on mine, follow the link. It's worth it just for the spot on grating Christian Bale impersonation.

Is your shock bigger than a bread box?

Pleased as I am about last night there was one thing that genuinely gave me this expression:










You have to understand, I've been to this state on many occasions... I have relatives there... I've played more rounds of 20 Questions on the I-95 than is healthy... and this has completely blown my mind. I would have been less surprised if Texas had gone Democrat. I mean seriously, take the 460 west of Farmville.



I just had a disturbing thought: Virginia voted Democrat and Ontario voted Conservative.